I'm Not Going Anywhere
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Brendan gets released from prison with the intention of getting back into Ste's life. Stendan.


**Hello :) Don't really know what this is or even if it's worth writing , but I'll put it up anyway. Still miss those beautiful boys...anyway I hope you like this.**

** I'm Not Going Anywhere :)**

I thought that prison would always be my home, I truly believed that I would die in this hell hole - I thought it was what I deserved. Years of abuse, torture and torment from the old man told me that I was no good, evil; a rotten apple. I treated everyone badly because I believed I was bad, I used my fists to get me what I wanted because that's what I believed to be right. It's the only life I'd ever known, until I met you. You showed me love, taught me how to love in return and although I've been locked away in here for the past two years I've never forgotten you and all the wonderful things you showed me.

You gave me hope, hope for a better life; a happy life and for a while you made me believe that anything was possible. I kept you away for your own good, I wanted better for you; I wanted you to live your life, not wait around for me. I should've given you the choice, I should've let you come and visit me; because I've regretted my decision to ignore you every single day that I've been without you. I phoned you a few weeks into my sentence, desperately needing to hear your voice; but you sounded so empty. I wanted to reach out to you - I wanted to say hello, but I just couldn't find the words, so instead I held it all in; only feeling the tears fall from my eyes when I hung up on you.

I even tried writing a few times...but I never sent them. I had nothing to offer you, I still have nothing to offer you. I only have my heart; but I don't know if that's enough anymore. I shut you out and pushed you away, so why would you want me now? I still can't believe I'm being released and only after two years. New evidence they told me, I know I didn't kill Seamus, but what new evidence could they possibly have. Still I'm not going to argue because this time tomorrow I'll be home and even if you've moved on, even if you love another; just to see you one more time will mean so much. But for me, there could never be another you.

The iron gates close behind me and I breathe in the fresh air. Daylight has never looked more beautiful. The only thing that would make this moment even more perfect would be if you were standing here waiting for me. I know when I get home everything would've changed, but I'm hoping that some things are still the same. I haven't told anyone about the new developments. I haven't spoken to anyone since I've been in here and I don't intend to start now. There is only you on my mind and I promise this time I'm not letting anyone get in the way…not even Chez. People will know anyway, papers, news and gossip, but nothing is going to stop me from coming for you. You can turn me away, but I'll still come back; over and over again until you give me another chance.

The taxi pulls up outside your flat, our flat, but all I can see is rubble and the remains of our happy home together. I pay the driver who makes some pathetic remark about our pile of rubble being the Ritz…sarcastic fucker. I ignore him because I have more important matters to attend to and I'm not going to go back inside for beating up some fat bald headed taxi driver. He is not worth it. I wonder where the hell you are and then I start to wonder if you even live round here anymore; then I remember the deli. I feel my feet start to run, adrenaline and pure panic running through my veins and all I want to do now, is find you.

I'm standing outside the Deli before I know it, but my heart feels like it's going to explode when every trace of you seems to have disappeared. Your flat is gone, the deli is gone and right now it feels like I'm never going to find you. I can feel people staring at me, even hear the whispers from some like _"what is he doing out?"_ but I'm not interested in them, I just want to find you. I look around, bump into a few familiar faces; they try to be nice and under different circumstances I'd like that, but they are just keeping me away from you that little bit longer.

It wasn't until I bumped into Darren that I finally got some answers. A dirty street rat…that's what he called you. I felt my temper rising and before I knew it I had my hands wrapped tightly around his throat. He begged of course…they all did, and eventually I let go of him; pushing him to the floor with all my might. I demanded to know what he meant - I needed to know, but instead of telling me he said he'd show me...

The panic must have shown on my face and I don't think I'd ever felt more scared, but I had to see what Darren was going on about. As we got nearer to the alleyway I remembered times with you there. Kissing you hard, your back slamming against the wall, wanting to taste every part of you, but there was always someone to see. Then I see you and it takes me a while to take it all in. You're sat on the floor surrounded by beer cans and needles and it doesn't take a genius to work out what you've been doing. I rush to your side and lift up the hoodie that is now hiding a face I don't recognise.

You look right through me, like I'm not there. Your eyes are cold and empty and your once golden skin is now grey and covered in spots. I reach out to touch your face, but you push my hand away, mutter something and then throw up all over yourself. I shout at you, but you turn away from me and lay down on the hard concrete. I can't believe this is happening. I don't know what I expected from you, but I never expected this. I call for help, but no one comes. My guess is that they are used to you being this way; but I'm not.

I pick you up and carry your even slimmer frame over my shoulder; there is no way I'm leaving you here like this. I'm never leaving you again. You try to fight me, but you have no strength anymore and the feisty you I remember has long gone. You hate me right now and you tell me as much, but regardless of how you feel I'm not gonna stand back and watch you kill slowly yourself. There is nothing here for you anymore and seeing you like this has confirmed that to me. I only came back for you and now that I have you I'm not letting go again.

I call a cab which takes us to the nearest hotel. You don't speak to me at all, but then I don't expect you to. I have a little money, at least enough to last us for a couple of days, but I still have a few favours I can call in on, you know debts that need to be paid. I know we'll be okay. People stare as we walk by, but I don't care about them I only want you safe. I get you into our hotel room and you move far away from me, but I follow you and back you up to into the corner of the room, you can't escape me now. Your eyes are rolling in your head and it breaks me completely seeing you like this. You hit out at me, thump your fists against my chest, but I can hardly feel it.

I let you hit out on me because I know I deserve it. I know I've caused this. I wait until you can't hit me anymore before I pull you close to me, even though the smell of your stale vomit is making me feel sick. I hear you sob into me and I pull you closer then. I know you won't believe me, but I'm not walking away, no matter how hard it gets. I will fix you; I will make it all go away because I love you more than anything else in this world. I will give you the future you deserve even if it takes a little longer to get there. I need to help you, get you clean. I promise I will; because this time I'm not going anywhere.

**Please review lovely people **** xx xx xx**


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